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            雨楓軒原創文學網 - 純凈的綠色文學家園 !

            雨楓軒

            放屁英雄傳

            時間:2019-05-12來源:本站原創 作者:大浪滔滔 點擊:
            最近三番四次被領導提拔,皆怪我關鍵時刻總能成為領導的“替罪羊”。
               說起來都因為我那不爭氣的屁股,從小生長在農村,天生吃素,所以腸胃一直很好,身體健康得很,連痔瘡都沒有。之前通過幾個朋友的關系,謀到了可以給局長開車的差事,就在上個月,上邊領導來局里檢查工作,說是有重要的上級精神傳達。
               一行人進入電梯里,其中有局長、省廳和市政府大員。我為了給各方領導進出電梯把門,只好隨同。一行人在電梯里彬彬有禮、談笑風生的,突然連續響起了幾聲不和諧的聲音。
               其聲又長又急又清脆。傾刻小小的空間里彌漫著難聞的臭氣。眾人面面相覷,雖然不知屁是誰放的,但都是有身份的人,總得給對方一點面子。于是眾大員一個個憋著呼吸,臉孔漲得通紅。
               關鍵時刻我靈機一動,說道:“各位領導不好意思,最近我腸胃出了一點小問題。”
               局長不悅道:“小李,你真是的……”
               我一時語塞,心想都怪自己嘴賤,他們到處放屁,辦不辦人事,管我什么事啊?
               上午接待工作結束后,下午局長電話喊我去他辦公室。
               一路上我惶恐不安,心想肯定是要挨批了。進入局長辦公室,想不到局長和謁可親地示意我坐下。接著局長開口說:“小李,你不要給我開車了。”
               我頭上開始冒汗,急忙解釋:“局長,我有點冤枉,其實那屁不是我放的,我以后再也不嘴賤了,我好好開車,你可千萬別辭退我。”
               局長伸手制止我往下說:“我知道。所以要重用你,去當辦公室副主任。”
               我頓時一愣,被局長的話說糊涂了,問道:“我……不明白。”
               局長嚴肅地說道:“小李啊,就是因為你敢于擔當。好好干吧!”
               走出局長辦公室,我云里霧里的。
               漸漸地我明白了,原來頂替別人放屁也可以做官,誰說的光放屁不辦事,這不是一個屁就解決了。
               可喜可賀,晚上下班我便買好酒肴回家和老婆慶祝一下。
               無巧不成書,在電梯里遇見了辦公室主任,他家住8樓,我住12樓。就在電梯開門剎那間,我看見一個穿紅色連衣裙的妖艷女子用手勾著主任的脖子,動作十分親密。我假裝不認識,心想難道主任老婆不在家,這膽子也太大了。見那女子急忙松開手,主任面色尷尬。面向梯內按鍵一側,我正要開動電梯時,又呼啦一下跑進3個美女,手里拎著大小包裹。突然間有幾聲沉悶的聲音發出,顯然是吃東西壞了肚子。一女子道:“這是誰啊,真討厭,熏死人了!”
               電梯,又是該死的電梯,為什么又是發生在電梯內的一樁放屁案件?
               一個屁讓我當了官,我再頂替一下又何妨?我便轉身給大家歉意道:“各位不好意思,最近我腸胃出了一點小問題,多多包涵。”
               后來,大家離開電梯的速度比以往快了很多。
               晚上的慶祝也說不出什么滋味,都讓屁搞得。剛過23:00的時候,我的手機響了。呀,是主任的來電,說要和我聊天。心想,壞了,是我看見他和別的女人在一起,肯定要收拾我。哎,我這剛上任的副主任還沒有開始人生,難道就要夭折了嗎?你說我這嘴是不是夠賤!
               越想越懊悔,但是我還是敲開了8樓主任的房門。主任親自來開的門,臉上堆滿笑容,道:“小李啊,趕快進來,進來!”
               我在門口猶豫一下道:“主任,方便嗎?”
               “方便,來來……快坐下,我剛泡好的極品鐵觀音,聽說你榮升辦公室副主任,恭喜啊,我們好好聊聊。”
               我進門后迅速用余光環顧了一下四周,并未發現紅色連衣裙女子,估計早就走了。
               我在沙發上還是坐立不安,道:“主任,今天在電梯里屁不是我放的,我想……”
               主任急忙打斷了我的說話,道:“小李啊,放屁那是小事,提那個干什么?我知道你是老實人,喝點鐵觀音順順氣。”
               我點點頭答應著,端起茶杯呡了一小口。
               主任用眼睛不停地盯著我,盯得我渾身上下發癢,說道:“茶的味道怎么樣?等你嫂子出差回來再給你幾包嘗嘗鮮。”說話間靠近我,拍了拍我肩膀。
               “謝謝,謝……謝主任。”我自己變成結巴了。
               然后,又聊了一些無關緊要的事情。
               臨走的時候,主任又硬塞給我一個紅包,說是局里專門給先進科室發的,有我一份;又說雖然我今天剛被任命副主任,卻是趕上了好時候,開門紅的話說了一大堆。回家后,我打開紅包一看,媽呀,竟然是1萬大元,這難道就是傳說中的“封口費”嗎?
               管他呢!不偷不搶,花著正正當當!
               放屁真好啊,今天不光升官還發財啊!
               屁是一股勁兒,不放不得行;有屁不放憋壞心臟,沒屁亂擠鍛煉身體!
               我終于又漸漸明白一個道理:光有努力是沒用的,還不如放屁。
               男人嘛,屁大的事都不敢承擔,還混什么混。
            作品集大浪滔滔 責任編輯:秋雨楓
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