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            雨楓軒原創文學網 - 純凈的綠色文學家園 !

            雨楓軒

            該怎么去告別

            時間:2019-06-11來源:網友提供 作者:唐恬 點擊:
            該怎么去告別
             
              住院前,醫生說為了放化療我必須把頭發剪短。剪頭發那天,我特意叫了一個做視頻的哥們兒來幫我拍紀錄片。機器架好,美發店里的氣氛“轟轟烈烈”,鏡頭里的我笑中帶淚。我都計劃好了,電視劇里演患者接受放化療肯定會掉光頭發,所以我要做一個關于“頭發”的紀錄片,講的是我入院前把長發剪短,放化療后頭發漸漸掉光,之后又生長恢復的過程。拍攝可能要歷時三年或者更久,主題是“新生”。我那哥們兒很仗義,拍著瘦弱的胸脯說:“只要你召喚,我立馬扛著機器出現。”
             
              這個想法太酷了,我頓時覺得放化療都“高大上”了起來。可是,打完化療針等著頭發掉光光的我被醫生告知:“你打的是鉑類藥,不掉頭發。”這樣啊,真叫人不開心啊,這樣一來我的放化療就一點兒都不酷了。
             
              不從壞的事情里找好玩的事兒的話,那么這件事情,就真的只有壞了。
             
              入院不久,隔壁病房住進來一位大叔,60歲左右,江西人,是一個“生猛的土豪”。我在放療室門口碰見他,大叔穿著長款黑色大衣,頭發染成油亮的黑,精神十足地對我說:“小妹不要怕,要唱歌,要笑,晚上一起K歌去!”大叔平日愛聊天,老神神秘秘地要人猜他的年紀,為的是得意揚揚地引出下一句:“我都快六十了!找了個25歲的老婆,剛給我生了個兒子。”他自己來住院,沒有陪護,我媽問:“那你吃飯誰照顧?”大叔手一揮:“有錢!叫飯店送!”一個月后再見到他,他已被放化療徹底打趴下了。人還是那個人,拍著胸口說“老子有錢”的生猛氣場卻被奪走了。我逗他說:“K歌去?”他擺擺手,給我看錢包里的照片——一個年輕姑娘抱著個嬰兒。他說:“就是想兒子了,兒子剛滿三個月。”按照時間來推算的話,他查出病來時,剛剛老來得子。然后這個男人跟家人瀟灑地揮揮手說“老子出國玩兩個月”,只身趕赴北京治病。
             
              隔壁住著一位75歲的東北老太太,來陪護的是大兒子,一米八幾的東北大漢。老太太瘦極了,體重不到60斤,縮在被子里只有小小的一團。睡不著是她多年的老毛病,患癌癥后失眠加劇,常整晚整晚地醒著,醫生就給她開了安眠藥。老太太不肯吃,也不肯說原因,就這樣生扛了三天。實在扛不住了,她憂心忡忡地決定吃藥,半晌忽然一把拉著兒子的手囑咐說:“你晚上要來看看我,你要喊我的名字。”那天夜里好幾次,她在黑暗里睡下,又焦慮地起身,一遍又一遍地叮囑兒子:“晚上要來看看我,你要喊我的名字。”兒子說:“媽,你放心睡吧,我隔一會兒就來喊你一回,你放心睡吧。”原來睡不著,是怕醒不來。只有深懷恐懼的人才看得到,夜晚是死神的白日,它拿著鐮刀寸步不離,就在我們床邊等著,等著把措手不及的人們帶入無盡的黑夜。
             
              2012年3月初春,北京下雪了。同病房唱豫劇的大姐告訴我這叫“三月桃花雪”。她說記得上一次雪下在桃花上的3月,20歲的她登臺唱戲。那時她還不是主角,臺口催著“快快快”!她一急,里頭穿著薄秋衣,外頭掛著大戲服就上臺了,冷得聲音都在抖,當年那出戲叫《大祭樁》。我們正聊著,聽到走廊里一陣沉悶的哭聲,跑出去一看是另一個病房的病人家屬。那女孩是我的老鄉,比我年紀小,陪著老公從湖南來住院。聽說主治醫生勸他們放棄治療回老家。哭聲太悲慟了,其他家屬就勸她別在這兒哭,一聲聲都是各家的眼淚,感同身受的人受不住,她就獨自下樓了。我跟著下樓,遠遠地看著她,小小的一個人,穿著紅色棉襖坐在雪地里。她嗚咽一聲,那團紅顫抖一下,像是一顆鮮活的心臟摔進了冰天雪地里。我便是從那一刻開始知曉,什么叫無能為力。
             
              這兩年見了太多人太多事,每一個都稱得上是平凡生活表面下的驚天動地。關于“如何應對突如其來的告別”,我困擾了很久。出院后我開始面對可怕的復查。健康的人很難想象肩膀痛、咳嗽、頭疼,這些小小的病癥都會被聯想到癌細胞復發轉移,繼而使人陷入巨大的恐懼之中。我買了一些佛學的書,試圖參透無常。朋友的離開和自身的恐懼交織成不能確定的明天的世界。2013年,每一次復查前的夜晚,我都像被綁在椅子上,一雙大手捂住我的嘴,頭上懸著明晃晃的、不知何時落下的刀。
             
              為了找到答案,我開始行走,天南地北地聽別人的故事。那些故事里有人離開,有人相愛,可即便再悲苦也有動人的篇章。我一路走,一路哭哭笑笑,就這樣發現有些問題根本沒有答案。復查好似過山車,命運把我高高地拋起,不知能否安然落地。可最后救了我的,其實也是復查。沒有任何一種美好比知道自己平安活著更美好,為此我要走過大段黑暗。如果你根本無從應對突如其來的告別,那么就學著跟自己的恐懼相處。
             
              我們之所以要思考上天給的這個問題,也許并不是要尋找答案,而是讓這問題帶領你跟命運達成共識。
             
              接到這篇約稿時,主編告訴我,主題是“生離死別”,主編說:“你應該有話要說。”有什么話說呢?我想了很久。你知道嗎?北京的各大腫瘤醫院任何時候都人滿為患。走到大廳一看那么多人,哪個都不是小病,一個背影就是一個家庭的辛酸。我很少看到誰當眾哭,在你前面排隊的,等著拿報告的,人人都默默地走著流程,等著判決。生和死不是尋常的事情嗎?醫院里每一天每一個人最日常的事就是生離死別。我最近一次去復查,前面排隊做核磁檢查的兩位大姐嘻嘻哈哈地聊天:“你啥病?我肺癌。”“喲,我也是。你說今天怎么那么慢呢?我晚上還要回家做飯呢。”吃飯和生病,生和死,都是常事,我們能做的就是排著隊,身在其中,不卑不亢,不急不緩。來,我受著;不來,我感恩。
             
              寫這篇稿的我剛去翻了下病友“三爺”的微博,忽然發現文字、照片被全部刪除了,微信也被注銷了號碼。“三爺”是干凈利落的“三爺”,我懂了,也沒哭,哭哭啼啼對不住他的瀟灑。
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