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            雨楓軒原創文學網 - 純凈的綠色文學家園 !

            雨楓軒

            怨訴遠方來信

            時間:2019-06-11來源:網友提供 作者:契訶夫 點擊:
              
               
               
              親愛的朋友!現在我剛收拾完我的房間。我累得要命,手都寫不好字,可是話雖如此,我仍然在桌旁坐下,趕緊跟您這樣的好人談一談話,也算是精神上進一頓美餐。昨天我已經搬到另外一個村子里來住,離克拉斯諾亞爾斯克①近得多,不過我的通信地址暫時跟以前一樣。我現在住的農舍倒挺寬敞,相當明亮,每月的宿費再加上茶炊費一共三盧布。只是一到生火的時候,屋里就煙氣騰騰,夜里我總感到腦袋發重。
              
              我的女房東是個很老的老太婆,耳朵聾,呆頭呆腦,從各種跡象看來,大概是個舊教徒,至少我一吸煙,她就打噴嚏,而且不愿意跟我談話。我的生活象先前一樣暗淡無光,昏昏沉沉,單調乏味。白晝一天天過去,夜晚也一個接一個度完。不過我倒不象以前那么煩悶了。我習慣了早睡,而且正在學習繪畫,用木頭鋸出各式各樣的小玩意兒。報紙偶爾也能見到,我總是一口氣從頭看到尾,連廣告也不放過。我閑著沒事做,就試著寫我的《懺悔錄》,結果寫得廢話連篇。在我的筆下,銀行經理、檢察官、陪審員都象是野獸,辯護人象是阿勃利科索夫食品廠的牛奶軟糖,我自己成了羔羊。受審前拘押在監的情形描寫得多情善感,悲悲切切,矯揉造作。……再者,我親愛的,不論是描寫戀愛,還是著重指出我并沒揮霍金錢,而是我所愛的女人花掉的,這都俗不可耐!您在最近的那封信上替我辯白,可是您這個人真怪,要知道會計員不是她而是我呀!不過,這些事不提也罷。……前天我收到妹妹娜嘉從魯庫青商店買來的一個煙盒和一 打短襪。隨著包裹還寄來一封信,可憐的姑娘寫了四張信紙,為我的健康擔憂。好朋友,您讓她放心吧。您就說我活得挺好,健康得象一頭牛。我也要向您保證,我身體健康。我憑人格擔保,我沒得癆病,也不咳嗽,這話絲毫也不夸大。不過最近,我的身體出了一點沒法理解的怪毛病,情形還不算嚴重,大概是神經性的。我倒不在心上,可是仍然不得不為它忙一陣。我發的病近似神經錯亂。我沒有因此瘦下來,然而這畢竟是不愉快的事。……麻煩您問一下莫斯科的隨便哪個醫師:我該怎么辦才能治好這種病呢?叫我把病情大致敘述一下,這我辦不到,不過我來給您寫一下最近發病的經過和情景吧。一個星期前,星期二深夜,我牙痛得很,忽然醒過來。您知道,原先我也常牙痛,不過這一回,我牙痛得特別厲害。我醒來后,痛得難忍難熬,死去活來。……整個臉都象針刺那樣痛,甚至手上都痛了。我東奔西跑,又蹦又跳,哇哇地哭,時而把頭塞到枕頭底下,時而伸到寒冷的前堂里。
              
              ……我想到沒處就醫,又沒有藥吃,就越發痛得難受。……我極力回想當初在家里遇到這類情形所采取的辦法。……我想起花露水、碘酒、各種甘香油劑、解痛的白蘭地等等,總之都是我在此地沒有的東西。……我向房東要點白酒漱口,可是他們不給,推說他們沒有。這可怕而漫長的一夜我吃的苦,我親愛的,都沒法跟您說了!……您就設想一下那黑暗、煤煙、羊皮的氣味吧。……時間拖啊拖的,一直拖下去,無窮無盡,仿佛停在一點上不動了。我的四周一個活人也沒有。
              
              ……徹底的孤單可以從我每一下腳步聲和每一個呻吟聲中聽出來。……回憶是可怕的,又沒法抱什么希望。……此外,寒冷的秋雨仿佛有意對我的痛苦表示毫不在意,單調而冷漠地敲打烏黑的窗子。……我的朋友,請原諒我的感傷心情:如果有一天,在這樣的夜晚,您遇上一個挨餓受凍的病人,那我請求您給他一個躲避風雨的地方吧!有些人坐在暖和而明亮的房間里,竟然認定給人一星半點的施舍和臨時的幫助毫無道理,請您不要相信他們的話!您不要拒絕給他五個戈比,好讓他到夜店里去度過一夜。(最后這幾行原來已經涂掉,不過仍然可以認出來)……我不記得天色怎樣破曉,早晨怎樣開始。……我只記得到了早晨我也還是哭個沒完,又蹦又跳,兩只手捧著半邊臉。我的牙痛照例要持續三四天,可是這一 回卻結束得特別快。事情是這樣的:我早晨八點多鐘接到可敬的奧西普·伊凡諾維奇寄來的幾份報紙,我在給您的信上談起過這個人(他不但送我茶具,還送我報紙,那些報紙他是從別人那里得到的)。我在一張報紙上看見用紅鉛筆標出的一條新聞,大概是以助人為樂的奧西普·伊凡諾維奇親筆標出的。您再也想不出我有多么驚訝!那條新聞涉及我個人。
              
              ……其中講到某銀行的前任會計員犯偽造文件和盜用公款罪受審,如今流放在外。……我看了“從可靠來源向本報提供的消息”,才知道:原來我目前坐著高頭大馬拉著的馬車到處游逛,為情婦在巴黎定制新衣服,喝香檳如同喝白水一樣,操縱著俱樂部的命運等等。我連弄一口白酒治牙痛都辦不到,不料我搖身一變,居然成了當地時新裝束的倡導人,而且過著荒淫無恥的生活,鬧得當地烏煙瘴氣,總之,我不但貪污過許多錢,而且善于把錢藏起來,如今正揚揚得意呢!編造這許多謊言還不夠,另外又添上各種恭維我的稱號,例如翩翩佳公子、闊少爺、風流才子、賭棍等。總之,這是要讀者抱怨懲罰無效,要讀者譏笑我,唾棄我。……我把這“可靠的消息”讀了三遍,簡直不相信我的眼睛了。……我是小人物,不是大人物。……按理,我應該不理睬這種事,丟在腦后,可是我做不到,反而聽任我的懦弱性格作怪。于是我發病了。我先是哭泣,悲悲慘慘,聲音響亮,就跟小孩一樣。隨后我又怒火中燒。……我氣得發昏,象瘋子似的把報紙撕成小碎片,伸出腳來不住亂踩,對著空中破口大罵,罵得難聽極了,跟馬車夫一樣。……我滿屋子跑來跑去,發牢騷,頓腳,捶拳頭,撈起凳子來砸一條沒有任何過錯的狗。……孤苦伶仃的心緒、回憶、思鄉、青春斷送的感覺、牙痛,這一切凝成一個沉重的硬塊,壓緊我的腦子,害得我暴跳如雷,著了瘋魔。我記得最后我躺在床上,要求人家不要管我,我的頭上即使不壓濕布也已經夠涼的了。……我已經不覺得牙痛,我顧不上這些了。……他們何苦打一個已經倒下的人呢?不過,問題不在這兒。
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